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  ‘Do you understand why I feel this way?’ Lexie beseeched her.

  ‘Lex, that’s an impossible one for me to answer because I’m a mother. I wanted a baby and I’ve got Calvin. All I can say is that you need to listen to your heart. A baby isn’t the same as a goldfish or a kitten so you’re either in or out. You’ve said you’ll support me and, believe me, I’ll be there for you too. All the way. No matter what you decide. That goes without saying, right?’

  ‘I know, but it’s still good to hear. Thanks, Maia.’

  ‘Hey, guys.’ Sam popped his head around the door. ‘I’m splitting, Lex. Stay longer if you wish but I need to get some stuff ready for work tomorrow. Thanks for an amazing afternoon,’ he said to Maia.

  ‘I’ll come now,’ Lexie said. ‘I just need to run to the bathroom.’ She stood up, swaying slightly. As she stumbled towards the door, Maia teased her: ‘You lush! Just look at her – drunk at a child’s birthday party. Disgraceful carry-on!’

  As Lexie wove her way towards the toilet, Maia said, ‘You okay, Mr Sam?’

  ‘I’ll get there,’ he said. ‘We’re just having a bit of an odd time. No doubt Lexie’s filled you in.’ Both knew there was no point in pretending they didn’t know the score.

  ‘I hope you get it sorted one way or the other soon,’ Maia said. ‘You’re great together, you guys.’

  ‘I know,’ Sam said. ‘At least, we used to be.’ He kissed Maia’s cheek and waved out of the door to Josh, then headed for the car.

  ‘Where’s he gone?’ Lexie asked, blinking in the evening sunlight.

  ‘Out to the car,’ Maia said. ‘He’s hurting right now, Lex,’ she said. ‘You guys need to chat.’

  ‘Yeah, pot calling the kettle black,’ Lexie said.

  ‘I’ll talk to Josh. But make sure you don’t overlook Sam’s feelings, doll. He’s a good guy and he loves you.’

  In spite of Maia’s warning, there was very little chat as Sam drove home. Lexie was at a loss as to what to say, so she pretended to be asleep. As she closed her eyes she wished she could fast-forward her life five years. At least by then this would have been resolved.

  The reality that Sam might not be a part of her life by then hit her like a tonne of bricks. Opening one eye, she peered across at him. Then she clamped a hand over her mouth to stifle a sob.

  ‘Are you about to puke?’ Sam asked, as the car wobbled on the road.

  ‘No,’ she managed. ‘I’m fine. I was just having a moment.’

  They stared straight ahead again. There were no appropriate words right now.

  Chapter 18

  Kathleen braced herself as she plugged in the laptop. It had been sitting in its box since the day Jackson had handed it to her. ‘When you’re ready, open this and click on the little icon I’ve named “from me to you”,’ he’d said, from his hospital bed.

  ‘Oh, Jackson, I don’t think I can cope with any of this,’ she’d said miserably. Grinding her tears away, she’d tried with every fibre of her being to hold it all together. ‘I don’t want to be without you. I can’t work a computer and I don’t want to see messages that will break my heart.’

  He’d lain back on the starched white pillows and looked at her lovingly. Wordlessly he held up his hand. She took it. ‘I wish things could be different, darling. But we both know I’ve been living on borrowed time for so long now. I’m tired. I wish I could take you with me. I hate the thought of you being lonely and sad. But I have no regrets, Kathleen.’

  ‘I’ve loved you every minute of every day since we met,’ she said. ‘I’ll learn to live without you. But I’ll have to let this Kathleen die with you. This Kathleen,’ she said, thumping her chest, ‘belongs with you alone. I’ll have to reinvent myself.’ She smiled feebly.

  That was how the idea had sparked for her to travel.

  ‘You’ll meet people who never knew you before,’ Jackson told her. ‘You can be whoever you want. You can even invent a whole other life. Imagine! You could say you’re a retired circus performer.’ She burst out laughing, grasping for a tissue to blow her nose. ‘Or how about an actress? Even better you could say you’re a brain surgeon! We both know enough about matters of the brain – I’ve been carrying this damn tumour around for so long.’

  ‘That’s a point, sweetie,’ she said. ‘Oh, Jackson, you’re a tonic.’

  ‘Tell me you can do it,’ Jackson said. He was still smiling but Kathleen saw desperation in his gorgeous eyes.

  ‘I’d rather not, but of course I can and will carry on,’ she vowed.

  The following morning when she had arrived at the hospital, Jackson was animated. ‘One of the nurses helped me. I booked this on-line and they printed it.’ He had handed her the envelope with her tickets to Ireland.

  ‘I don’t know what to say.’ Kathleen had looked at the tickets and back at him. ‘You’ve booked the flight for May thirtieth. That’s a few weeks away.’

  ‘Yes,’ he said calmly.

  ‘But we don’t know when …’ Kathleen trailed off. ‘Was it wise to pinpoint a date, love?’

  Jackson didn’t speak. Instead he patted the bed, signalling for her to lie beside him. They often did that. She’d cuddle into him, then flick on the TV and they’d watch a movie together. Putting the envelope with the tickets on his bedside locker, she kicked off her shoes, curled onto her side and nestled into him.

  ‘Do you remember our wedding day?’ he asked.

  ‘Of course I do.’

  ‘You know I promised to love you for the rest of my life?’ he asked.

  ‘Yes, Jackson, and I said I’d love you for all of mine.’

  ‘We did good, didn’t we?’

  ‘We sure did.’ She smiled.

  ‘I’ll visit you in your dreams and I’ll be certain to let you know I’m with you. I will always love you.’

  ‘And I will always love you too. Thank you for being you. I can just imagine you up there on a cloud with that mischievous smile on your lips, plotting how you’re gonna make yourself known to me!’

  Jackson’s deep laugh hadn’t filled the room.

  Kathleen had moved her head from the crook of his arm. As soon as she had gazed up at him she’d known he’d left her.

  Before that day, Kathleen had never been so close to a dead body. She’d always thought she’d find it terrifying. At funerals in the past she’d shuffled past the corpse, avoiding looking at it for any length of time. But right at that moment there was no fear. Her Jackson could never be anything but wonderful. Kathleen had allowed herself a few stolen moments longer with the light of her life, before pressing the bell and alerting the nursing staff to his death.

  As soon as the outside world learned of his passing, Kathleen knew their time as husband and wife was well and truly up. A whirlwind had ensued as she had thought it would. There were umpteen papers to sign, arrangements to make and people to inform. A river of sympathy had flooded towards her, and Kathleen embraced it, thanking their extended family and friends for their kindness.

  She had truly reached saturation point with the whole business by the time the trip to Ireland came around.

  ‘You were right again, Jackson. Thank you for having such foresight,’ she’d said to the ceiling, as she packed to travel. She still looked to the sky each time she spoke to him. ‘I don’t even know if you’re up there, Jackson, but it seems somehow right to talk to you this way.’

  Now that she was ensconced in her basement apartment in number three Cashel Square, she felt it was time to click on the icon Jackson had made. The laptop sprang to life, playing a short jingly tune. A lovely pattern of a rainbow spread across the screen.

  Kathleen smiled. Jackson had remembered how much she adored rainbows. Already, tears were trickling down her cheeks as she focused on the screen and found the little icon he had told her about. With trembling fingers she fumbled before she managed to click on the correct one.

  Instantly it flashed on the screen before bursting into life.

  As
if by magic Jackson’s face appeared.

  ‘Oh, darling!’ Kathleen exclaimed, as her hands shot to her mouth.

  ‘Hello, Kathleen. How’re ya doing, my sweet?’ he said. She reached out to touch the screen, hoping against hope that she might be sucked in to join him.

  ‘Hi, honey,’ she whispered.

  ‘I hope by now you’re in Ireland. Knowing you as I do, I’d say you’re bawling like a baby right now.’ He grinned and paused. ‘Don’t you stay sad for too long, ya hear?’ He wagged a finger. ‘I’m still all around you and I’ll be waiting until we meet again. Meanwhile I’m going to send you three rainbows just like I promised. One on your birthday at the end of June. A second on my birthday in July, and the third on our wedding anniversary in August. Keep an open mind and search for your rainbows. I love you, Kathleen. Don’t forget me and have a wonderful time.’ He leaned forward and blew a kiss into the camera. The colours of the rainbow crept across the screen, then faded into a blur.

  Dropping her head onto the table, Kathleen cried until her entire body ached, her nose burned and her throat throbbed.

  Unable to stop herself, she clicked on the icon again.

  By that night she’d watched the footage so many times she knew it off by heart. She even let it play while she cooked the dinner, taking comfort from the sound of Jackson’s voice in the room with her once more. If she closed her eyes and ignored the content, she could almost convince herself he was back with her again.

  That night she slept soundly for the first time since he’d gone.

  Chapter 19

  Lexie had an awful skin-crawling alcohol-fuelled sleep. At the party all she had eaten was a small piece of birthday cake, which had been an alarming shade of aqua and slightly gritty, so it was no wonder she had post-alcohol fear right now. Sam had slept with his back to her and was still clutching the duvet tightly, like a startled koala. She knew they had to talk. She’d have to talk to her parents too. She was pretty much banking on having no friends by lunchtime. Feeling desolate, she padded down to the kitchen to distract her addled mind with Facebook and make a cuppa. She’d forgotten the special feeling a champagne hangover gave her. Her entire head felt as if it was bound tightly with bubble-wrap and sealed with strong brown tape. A sudden banging on the front door startled her. She glanced at the oversized mounted wall clock and looked out of the window in dismay. Relieved there were no flashing blue lights or squad cars, she wondered who on earth could be calling at six o’clock on a Monday morning. Suddenly worrying it might be Kathleen, feeling distressed, she hurried to open the door.

  ‘Oh, thank God you’re up!’ Amélie huffed, bustling past her at the speed of light.

  ‘Amélie, what on earth are you doing?’ She followed her into the kitchen. ‘Do you know what time it is?’

  ‘Sorry.’ She looked at the floor for a few seconds before her shoulders began to shake.

  ‘Hey,’ Lexie said, taking the girl in her arms. ‘What’s happened? Aren’t you meant to be starting your exams this morning?’

  ‘I am,’ she said. ‘That’s the problem. I haven’t done a tap, Lexie. I’ve been so caught up with Elton and all the messing with my supposed friend Suri. It’s been such a disaster.’

  ‘What’s Suri got to do with Elton?’ Lexie asked. ‘Do your mum and dad know you’re here?’

  ‘No way! They were asleep and I snuck out of the house. I thought they might be happier if I wasn’t there when they woke up.’

  Lexie grabbed the house phone from its stand on the sideboard.

  ‘Please!’ Amélie begged. ‘Don’t call them. Not yet.’

  Lexie bit her lip. She knew her brother and his wife would be frantic to find Amélie’s bed empty, but figured five minutes wouldn’t hurt. Besides, she’d probably be the first person they’d call.

  ‘Right, let’s talk – but I’ll have to tell your folks where you are sooner or later, okay?’

  Amélie shrugged her shoulders. Lexie gave a warning look, so she relented and nodded.

  ‘So …’ she took a deep breath ‘… I met Elton late last night. I left the house once Mum and Dad were asleep, yeah?’

  ‘Not cool, honey,’ Lexie said. Her niece was really distressed, so she held her hands up and puckered her lips inwards to show she wasn’t going to say another word.

  ‘I really love Elton, Auntie Lexie. I thought he loved me too, but I landed at his bedsit and he was there with Suri.’ Her face crumpled, as she covered it with her hands. ‘I feel such an idiot,’ she sobbed.

  ‘I know this isn’t what you want to hear right now,’ Lexie said, tucking some hair behind Amélie’s ear. ‘But he’s a total creep. Suri isn’t blameless in all of this but Elton shouldn’t have taken up with your friend. The whole thing stinks and you’ve got to try and be strong. Your exams start today – you can’t afford to let this dweeb ruin your chances of doing well.’

  ‘’Kay,’ she said, sniffing. ‘If he’s such a moron,’ she shuddered, ‘and I know you’re right, why do I feel like I want to die of a broken heart?’

  ‘Because you love him. We can’t help whom we fall in love with, honey. I had some pretty tricky boyfriends before I met Sam. I knew they weren’t right for me, but it didn’t stop me falling for them.’

  Amélie stared at Lexie. ‘Thank you for believing that I love him,’ she said. ‘I told Mum about it last night. I was so upset and I needed to talk. I didn’t tell her I’d gone out or anything. But I went into her room and asked her to come and chat to me. It was really late, and I know she was asleep, but she made a face like she was sniffing sweaty trainers and told me I was far too young to know what love was. She said I was trying to find yet another feeble excuse to avoid doing my exams. Then she pointed out that she didn’t appreciate me waking her at that hour.’

  Amélie was so stricken that Lexie’s heart went out to her. ‘Your mum’s a good person but I think what’s happened here is that things have got a bit out of hand. You’re both sort of fractious with one another. So it might be best if you just call a truce until after your exams.’ Lexie felt a heel doling out advice to Amélie. She knew she ought to say, ‘Hey, don’t sweat it, Amélie, we all mess up. I do it all the time. In fact, you’ll get better at it the older you are. I have.’ Instead, she attempted to keep her expression neutral and pretend she was in a position to counsel her.

  ‘I’m a disappointment. Who can blame her for being so pissed off with me? I can’t do anything right.’ Amélie burst into tears.

  Amelie desperately wanted to tell Lexie about her parents’ argument. But she couldn’t bring herself to say the words. She was genuinely upset about the break-up with Elton but most of the tears were down to shame from what she’d overheard. ‘I know Mum and Dad would be so much happier if they had a daughter they could be proud of.’

  ‘Hey, that’s rubbish and you well know it,’ Lexie said. ‘They are proud of you, darling. We all are. It’s really, really tough being a teenager, Amélie. I know. I was one.’ Amélie looked up at her with such a sad, tear-stained face that Lexie pulled her closer. ‘I found the stage you’re at right now to be the most difficult in my life. There’s so much happening with school friends, boyfriends, family, hormones, you name it. It’s a minefield.’

  ‘When will it get better, Auntie Lex?’

  ‘Oh, my poor girl,’ she said.

  Tears prickled in her eyes too. Lexie knew she couldn’t say what she really thought, which was that it never gets better, that the problems evolve and often get a hell of a lot worse. Instead she said what Amélie needed to hear in the most honest way she could. ‘I wish I could do something to make it all seem better. But life can be full of ups and downs, honey. That’s the way it goes.’

  ‘I’ll bet your life is pretty perfect at this stage.’ She sniffed. ‘You and Sam have it all sussed. You have this cool house, money to buy anything you like. You never have to worry about phone credit or feel broken-hearted because some moron’s gone off with your supposed friend. A
nd, to top it all, you have the one thing that can’t break your heart – your gallery. You’re so right to have that place at the top of your list. It can’t dump on you. And you know the person you share a house with truly wants you there.’

  Lexie paused. Should she tell her niece that her life was on the edge of a cliff and that the only people who were actually talking to her, apart from Amélie, were Kathleen and Maia?

  ‘Amélie, when you’re my age, there’s a whole host of other stuff that’ll make you want to cry at times. Yes, I have plenty of credit for my phone and a great house and, of course, I have Sam.’ She balked for a second. She sincerely hoped she had Sam. ‘But I work hard for all those things. Sam and I work hard to stay connected. None of it comes easily. That’s just not the way of the world, Amélie. I guess what I’m trying to tell you is that life isn’t easy for anyone. We all have stuff to deal with that we hate.’

  ‘Great,’ she said sadly. ‘So all I have to look forward to is a bigger pile of poo than the one I’m wading through right now.’

  Lexie grinned in spite of her heavy heart. ‘Give me a hug,’ she said. ‘There are two ways of looking at life, Amélie. You can take the life-is-shit-and-then-you-die view, or you can go with the when-life-hands-you-lemons-make-lemonade approach. It’s up to you. Bad stuff will always happen. That’s a guarantee, sadly. But you’ll survive, my pet. You’ll survive because you’re a clever, strong and wonderful girl. Don’t ever let anyone tell you anything different.’

  ‘Thanks,’ Amélie said, sounding less stricken. ‘Maybe one day I’ll turn out to be as perfect as you.’ She grinned. ‘Or, at worst, a lemon.’

  Lexie laughed. ‘Just be yourself, darling. Do you want to go up to your room and have an hour’s sleep? I’ll wake you for your exam.’

  ‘No, thanks. I’ll go home, have a shower and get ready for school.’

  ‘Okay. If that’s what you want.’